ASK STACY – The Holidays Issue
Before we dive into questions, please let me share my most sincere and joyous holiday wishes with you. What's most important to me during this time of year are family, friends, and giving. And by giving, I mean sharing your time, heart, and resources to the extent you can with your family, friends, and those less fortunate.
In the Jewish religion, tzedakah is an often misunderstood concept. Many people think it stands for charitable giving when it actually means “justice,” specifically doing the right thing by helping people or causes in need. It is an act out of moral obligation, not an act out of benevolence. In any time of strife, there is always someone less fortunate than you, and I have specific charities that are very near and dear to my heart. I’m sure you do, too. I advise giving as generously as possible, whether to your church, synagogue, a local non-profit charity, or even a national or international cause like the Red Cross, Unicef, or Doctors Without Borders. There is always someone less fortunate than you. I want to add one more important thing for all of us at this time of the year: being grateful. Gratitude is a healthy attitude for your mind, body, and soul; living in gratitude can help balance more turbulent times and situations.
Ask Stacy: We are deep amid the holidays, which can be highly stressful for relationships. What tips do you have for couples to maximize the cheer during this season?
My Thoughts: You all know by now that I speak in threes. It’s a way of organizing my thoughts. First- don’t overdo it. Pick things to do together that you both enjoy. Two- ask each other what is important to you and try to honor that. Pick a surprise for each of you that you can do together that makes it very special.
Ask Stacy: My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on philanthropy. If it were up to me, I would give as much as we can – and aren’t there some tax advantages to this? But he can only be described as a Scrooge. What can I do?
My Thoughts: You are correct. There is a tax advantage for giving. For example, if you give to a 501C3-sanctioned charity, you can deduct the donation. Here’s my suggestion: Assign a discretionary dollar amount for each of you to use annually – $100, $1000, $5000, whatever your family budget can withstand. With the budget work done, he can use his money for whatever he wants – even if not for charity – and you can use yours to make donations to whatever groups you want. This process creates a win-win-win for you, your spouse, and the charities or causes you support, even if your husband buys a new toy for himself. It is always a good idea to run this by your tax accountant or financial advisor because they can help you determine a sweet spot discretionary amount for your household. God bless you for giving back.
Ask Stacy: My wife and I are divorced; she is remarried, and we remain close and cordial. But at the holidays, my wife expects me to give presents and monetary gifts to her, my kids, and her whole new family, which includes three stepkids, her new spouse, and even others like their nanny and teachers. Is this reasonable?
My Thoughts: Who am I to judge and tell someone what to do? But admittedly, it is over the top. However, if she says that the kids need to give gifts to their step-siblings, she should take care of that rather than ask her ex-husband to take care of it. That way, she will know it is getting done and managed to her liking. And frankly, it should be done with her funds.
Ask Stacy: With the New Year comes New Year’s resolutions! Are there any resolutions you recommend for struggling couples trying to make things work?
My Thoughts: Yes, take a deep breath! Be kind and generous, and try to work together. If you can't do it on your own, then get counseling help. Try to have the New Year bring inspiration and new desires towards resolutions!
If the struggling couple is still an intact couple or household, start the New Year with care for each other and a fresh, clean slate to the extent possible. Do everything you can to show love, compassion, and a desire to make it work. If you are a couple splitting up, it is the same thing; however, for self-care- do something like get a therapist. Going through a divorce or separation is tough.
Lastly, it is always good advice to eat healthy, exercise, spend time with loved ones, and not lock yourself up in your home with the pillow over your head. Go for walks and try to feel grateful. Be around those who care about you and who you care about. Get a dog! Get a rescue pet; they will rescue you!
Ask Stacy: I'm considering pursuing a divorce in the next couple of months. What can I do now that will set me up for success?
My Thoughts: Since I always like to speak in threes, the following are my three tips to get yourself in position:
Get organized, literally. Start by choosing the appropriate attorney and by getting your papers organized. Start getting your documents organized for your lawyer, for example, copies of your tax returns, your bank statements, your credit card statements, any other financial statements, insurance policies, investments, etc. – everything you can lay your hands on, start copying away and giving to your lawyer.
Take the time to interview lawyers and pick one that is sympatico with who you are, will push you where you need to be pushed, and will listen to you and not override you—someone who will be your partner and team member.
Get healthy, sleep right, eat right, stay active. Get a good therapist. Please do not over-share details of your divorce with anyone other than your therapist.
Happy and Healthy Holidays, and Happy New Year to you and yours. More questions and answers with “Ask Stacy” – and other fun things yet to be announced – are in store for 2024!